Silly things

How to confuse people

Just walk up to somebody (even if you’ve never met them in your life before, which often helps because they won’t know just how warped and twisted you are) and say one of these things to them. In fact, some of these are so good that if they fail to confuse somebody, we’re offering a triple your money back guarantee. Now you know why there is no charge for this stuff.

  • “You forgot to say cheese”

  • “I’ll shoot you with my semi-automatic sterilised spoon launcher”

  • “Don’t you just love it when people throw cereal spoons at birds?”

  • “Does your fridge say ‘ekeefoo’ when you open the door?”

  • “It wasn’t the hosepipe”

  • “Oh no! You’re one of them!”

  • “Purple”

  • “Your Geography teacher wants to see you about some dog-thingy for his braai”

  • “Some fool made the wheels invisible.”

  • “You don’t really want to go in there. The foo-thingy will get you”

  • “In between classes and in between play, Nestlé cheese-spread nukes our day”

  • “Is your fridge walking?”

  • “1000 salutations and a lump of blue cheese”

  • “Stuff blew up and stuff.”

  • “Are you tearing up the pea patch?”

  • “Are you sitting in the cat-bird seat?”

  • “So what does the brick have to do with all this?”

  • “Blllllllllllllllllllllllllll”

  • “How isn’t it going rather frot and thingies???”

  • “May the force be on you”

  • “Who cares that’s the point you see?”

  • “Have you been asked to the headmaster’s dog’s birthday party?”

  • “Great frolicking bags of bullet holes!”

  • “I say, did you state that on Thursdays?”

  • “May the cheese be with you.”

  • “Thanks”

  • “Jim said I should tell you ‘never’ “

  • “It isn’t”

  • “You’ll find two in the bathroom”

  • “I don’t take cheques”

  • “It wasn’t really, you know”

  • “You’re quite the toothpaste today, aren’t you?”

  • “Did you remember the cards?”

  • “Lithawanian Badger’s Cheese”

  • “Bunghole”

  • “ARG!”

  • “You broke it”

  • “Why’d you kill the poor billy goat?”

  • “I’ll slit your wrist with a rusty brick!”

  • “Its only about 5 feet high, you know”

  • “Don’t tell anybody, but I’m dead”

  • “Don’t tell anybody, but I’m a meatball”

  • “Am I in graduate school yet?”

  • “Are the stewed prunes still in the hairdryer?”

  • “I trust you finished your vegetables on time.”

  • “My phone is green”

  • “The Lemon Fridge Cake from Siberia will get you…”

  • “Lemon Curry?” (apologies to Monty Python)

  • “Does your bedroom have enough asparagus?”

  • “Like fruitcake.”

  • “I am a meat popsicle” (apologies to Bruce Willis)

  • “Did I say I was a sardine?”

  • “My laundry has been kidnapped?”

  • “Hey, I ordered a cheeseburger!” (apologies to Gary Larson)

  • “Why do we open Swiss cheese?”

  • “Have you seen my double barrel giraffe?”

  • “There were about three of them”

The pants game

If you’re bored, watch a movie and try to find the best points at which to substitute a word with “pants” to make it sound as silly as possible. Here are some examples.

The Matrix trilogy

  • Put your hands on your pants! Do it! Do it now!

  • All we ask in return is your pants.

  • Why don’t I give you the finger… and you give me my pants.

  • I’m only offering you the pants, Neo.

  • Why do my pants hurt? / You’ve never used them before.

  • If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then ‘real’ is simply electrical signals interpreted by your pants.

  • Throughout human history, we have been dependent on pants to survive.

  • It’s Latin. It means “Know thy pants”.

  • In the one hand, you’ll have Morpheus’ pants, and in the other hand, you’ll have your own.

  • I know that when I put it in my pants, the matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious.

  • He gave his pants for something he believed in.

  • Déjà vu is usually a glitch in the pants.

  • They’re breaking into his pants.

  • The body cannot live without the pants.

  • What do you need? / Pants. Lots of pants.

  • I count probably use some pants. / Good. So could I.

  • I believe our survival depends on more than how many pants we have.

  • You have the sight now, Neo. You are looking at the world without pants.

  • I want exactly what you want. I want pants.

The Fellowship of the Ring

  • Smoke rises from the mountain of doom. The hour grows late, and Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard, seeking my pants. For that is why you have come, is it not?

  • My old pants! I would very much like to hold them again.

  • Gondor has no pants. Gondor needs no pants.

  • It is mine to give to whom I will; like my pants.

  • Throw your pants in next time to save us from your stupidity.

The Two Towers

  • What about their pants? They don’t need those.

  • Pants? Never heard of pants before. Sounds like orc mischief to me!

  • Look for your pants; but do not trust to hope, for it has forsaken these lands.

  • Oh, surely you would not part an old man from his pants?

  • I told you to take the wizard’s pants!

  • Your fingers would remember their own strength better if they grasped your pants.

  • Gandolf: The pants have to hold! Aragorn: They will hold.

  • You said these pants would never fall while your men defended them.

  • Its burnsss… take pants off ussss…

  • Nothing ever dampens your pants, does it Sam?

The Return of the King

  • Tonight we remember those who gave their pants to defend this country.

  • Mr Frodo, look, it’s pants. No one at ‘ome will believe this.

  • Golem: Filthy little hobbitses. They stole it from us!
    Faramir: What did they steal?
    Golem: MY PANTS!

  • He tried to take the pants from Frodo, after swearing an oath to protect him. The pants drove your brother mad.

  • She is sailing West with what remains of her pants.

  • From the ashes a fire shall be woken
    A light from the shadows shall spring
    The blade shall be renewed that was broken
    The pantsless again shall be king.

  • He’s alive! He needs pants my lord!